Op Ed: Bunsen Burner My Ass! The Tini Must Remain The Deany

Artwork by Gustie Owens

We are deeply saddened to learn that Deantini plans to step down as the Dean of Columbia College at the end of this academic year. However, it is hereby declared that The Federalist, Columbia’s most important publication by leagues, on this 25th day of September anno domini two thousand and twenty-one, will henceforth recognize any future Dean of Columbia College as a usurper and, thereby, illegitimate. Until His Magnificence, ✨The Deantini✨, passes from this earthly plane (if he, in fact, ever does so), The Federalist shall regard him as the rightful ruler of this esteemed College.

The following was redacted from President Bollinger’s email: “That piece of shit is beloved by all the students, and he doesn’t even have a fun run. I mean, I get driven to campus in an Audi, and he doesn’t even have a car! I’m clearly much more fun than him. And have better hair. This will serve him right.”

The Federalist thanks Deantini for his outstanding leadership and commitment to all Columbia College students.