Addressing housing and overpopulation concerns, newly crowned President Jennifer Mnookin has announced a new plan to halve the total student population, either across the stomach or “right down the middle.” Half of the student, she continues, will then be assigned a bed and a meal plan with another half of a student, both of whom will be expected to pay full tuition. Students are expected to carry out their own bisecting; however, a donation pool has begun for extra knives and saws to help those without. One such eager student, Claire Pielson-Napfish (616 W 116th), claims to have already halved 118 students (or, as she describes, “wholed” 59 students). “It’s honestly such an honor to help this administration in any way possible,” she asserted while chasing after your humble Spectador reporter with a large meat cleaver. “I hope my other half can play an instrument, I love to sing!”
Mnookin Announces Bold Plan to Halve Student Population
