Polly Tickl, managing editor of Columbia’s premier journal for review of politics, was proud and honored to be called forth when a man collapsed on the ground after complaining of chest pains.
“I’ve been doing CPR my entire time at college,” she reassured panicked onlookers. Tickl had indeed begun writing her freshman year as a guest columnist, and worked her way up to managing after briefly getting lost in the confusing chain of command during sophomore year. “All of my friends are so understanding when I tell them I can’t hang out because I have CPR; they’re like ‘no, no you go, you’re saving lives, you’re incredible!’”
Turning now to the frantic crowd, she continued, “I’m just so glad everyone here is so enthusiastic about the importance of fostering multi-partisan political discourse via open forum!” The identity and fate of the man who collapsed will be kept anonymous, as per CPR policy.
