“What. The fuck. Happened last night,” said President Rosenbury at the beginning of an emergency meeting of administrators she called on Monday morning. “We need to talk about this,” she continued, proceeding to take a swig of her triple espresso latte, massage her temples, and fidget with her blackout sunglasses.
Our reporters didn’t catch the whole meeting, but they did capture the following quotes from the college president to the other administrators present:
- “Many of us are still grappling with the consequences of that night, and we will be for weeks to come.”
- “Richard, I told you to bring fives, not twenties! I know, the show was that good, but it’s just irresponsible!”
- “To be clear, the me you saw last night, that wasn’t me. But was I supposed to say no when Chastity offered me ket in the back room? All I want is to feel like a college student again…”
- “I’m going to get the dispo developed tomorrow. I hope the pics turn out okay, I think some of these would fit great in my semester dump”
- “Thank GOD Claire didn’t accept our pity invitation, sheesh. Could you imagine if she saw what we got up to? She’s just so not chill about this stuff.”
- “I was honestly shocked by how good that buffet was, I think I got thirds of the mussels…”
- “Melissa, sorry, you’ve still got some glitter on your cheek. No, a little down to the left–there! You got it. Sorry to do this here, I just thought I should tell you because I know you’ve got a meeting in 15 to suspend a couple of lefties.”
- “No, I promise, I’d never been there before. I don’t know why the manager was acting like we were friends.”
“We kissed?! You’re kidding. No, I remember, I just thought it was someone else. Ugh, fuck my stupid fucking chungus lifeeeee”
