On March 31, President Laura Ann Rosenbury announced that Barnard College would become fully absorbed by Columbia University, relinquishing its reputation as an independent historically women’s institution since 1889. Barnard’s administration has long maintained that its autonomy from Columbia is key to its mission of cultivating the next generation of women leaders, despite challenges in the 1970s and 80s. In her statement to students, faculty, and alumni, Rosenbury described this decision as “intensely difficult” but ultimately “the best step forward” for the College.
Rosenbury mentioned various factors that led to the merger, including financial troubles, concerns of being sanctioned by the Trump administration, and, most significantly, the “perpetually growing gelatin blob that has completely engulfed the Columbia side of Broadway.” The blob was developed inside Pupin Laboratory in early February as an experimental medical adhesive but soon gained sentience and escaped its creators. By mid-March, the blob had taken over the entirety of Columbia’s campus, trapping over ten buildings and dozens of individuals in green jello. According to the Barnard Chemistry department, the blob’s phospholipid bilayer has allowed it to advance westwards, towards Barnard College, at a rate of two feet per day.
Experts estimate that Barnard College will be completely absorbed by the University’s blob by late May. To get ahead of the legal issues posed by the encroaching blob, Rosenbury called an emergency trustees meeting to discuss formal merger plans, which were officially accepted yesterday. “This absorption is a bittersweet decision,” said Rosenbury, “but with impending gelatinous doom facing Barnard College, the Board of Trustees along with our senior administration agree that formalizing absorption into the blob is the best course of action. We thank the Barnard community for the past 137 years and look forward to a lime-flavored future with Columbia University.”
