Columbia’s Administration has heard your many—many, unrelenting, truly unending— complaints, and, after months of careful consideration, is introducing the perfect solution: CUID Premium. This multi-tiered subscription service will offer a variety of paid CUID options for all incomes and needs. Benefits of the program include an even more established class hierarchy, access to previously missing campus features, and the bonus effect of supporting your school! There is a lot to look forward to: Columbia has already issued a lengthy statement via LionMail detailing their full plan to do “absolutely fuck all” with this new stream of income.
The lowest package, Gold Member, is designed to be accessible for all Columbia students—though, if it seems pricey for you at the moment, loans with generous interest rates will be available for all tiers. A Gold Member, for the low, low price of 20k a month, will be able to swipe through any of the gates which, though now closed, were open for all just a few short years ago (see, we listened)! Columbia does regret to announce, though, that Gold members will still be subjected to a double ID tap at those locations, as well as a DUO verification, just to be safe. But Platinum peeps, for just 5k more monthly, can avoid that hassle entirely, breezing right through the entrance with just a flash of their silvery CUID.
Beyond that, several elite tiers will be offered for those students and alumni who either truly love supporting their school, or who have young children whose admissions odds just might possibly (wink wink) be improved by subscription to Diamond or Cobalt tiers. Niche benefits of other truly elite tiers include access to all freshmen dorms for members of the Trustee tier or even, at the highest Presidential tier, the ability to print non-letter sized PDFs on Columbia’s printers.
The Tier Intent form, mandatory for all students, is due next Friday, with down payments due the week following. Any CUIDs lost after that point will be charged a replacement fee scaled to their tier.
