In a stunningly prescient move, Columbia University announced Monday its intentions to shuffle around assets in an effort to provide aid to the long-hurting Barnard. As Hugh G. Tush, a Columbia spokesperson, informed The Spectador, “We love those little ladies across the street. The whole of the Columbia University in the City of New YorkTM Community hurts when Barnard hurts. Therefore, we are thrilled to roll out our newest initiative: all individuals with cheek to hip ratios larger than 10ccs per inch will be re-enrolled as Barnard students, effective immediately.” Tush cited Barnard’s commitment to welcoming folks of all identities (since 1925—we love you Zora Neale Hurston!), given that they don’t identify as men (yuck!).
When probed, a pack of passing Barnard students offered comments near Futter Field, “We’re all kinda scared. How will we possibly pay attention in class?” Another from the mass chimed, “Yeah, we’re all Barnard Baddies, but how can we be expected to deal with these Barnard phatties??”
President Rosenbury was spotted at Bob’s Discount Furniture earlier this morning, investigating buttressed seating innovations, though she worried, “I’m grateful for all these new well-endowed students, but I fear the facilities required to support them may just drive us deeper in the hole, tbh.”
