Make Columbia British Again: What’s Next for Newly Appointed President Shafik

After her recent appointment to Columbia, President Shafik was quick to announce her first campaign: Make Columbia British Again. After immediately renaming the school King’s College, of course, here are her proposed next steps:

  1. Require all dorm security guards to perform a “changing of the guard” routine every time the clock strikes the new hour, with the addition of the tall hats.
  2. Replace the basketball gym with a penny farthing bicycle racetrack.
  3. Change the name of ‘Chef Mike’s Sub’ Shop to ‘Ye Olde Shoppe Under the Possession of the Right Honorable Lord Michael, Earl of Sandwich.’
  4. Replace fusion food stations with the best international food there is: British food. Fish and chips every day, with the occasional shepherd’s pie. Beans on toast daily, baby!
  5. Block off the hours of 3:00 PM to 5:00 PM each day for “teatime,” so no classes can occur that might interfere with students’ daily tea and crumpets.
  6. Provide extra credit for usage of the phrases: “cheeky,” “Bob’s your uncle,” and “cuppa” in essays for Core classes. Also make The Crown required LitHum viewing.
  7. Rename the men’s and women’s soccer teams “footy for blokes” and “footy for birds.”
  8. Clarify the Barnard-Columbia relationship by announcing Barnard’s status as a “Commonwealth college.”
  9. Add a House of Lords to the student council just made up of legacy kids.
  10. Announce that next year Bacchanal will be a full-length performance of Shakespeare’s Richard II.
  11. Put Boris Johnson on Butler. Not his name—just have him live up there. 
  12. Place bags over the Jefferson and Hamilton statues’ heads with “TRAITOROUS SCUM” written on them.