Can the News Slow Down for, Like, Five Minutes

As a dedicated writer for the Columbia Federalist, I do my best to make sure that my content is on the cutting edge of pop culture. I strive to keep all Fed content on top of the latest trends, be they local, state, or national. But like, this semester has had way too much stuff happen too quickly. I would really appreciate it if the news, pop culture, and the general goings-on would like, relax for a minute so I could catch up. 

Remember when those people were throwing soup at art? I thought, foolishly, that I could get a soup-based article going, to prove that the Columbia Federalist was staying relevant. But by the time I sat down to write it, suddenly Elon Musk was buying Twitter. Fuck, now I have to learn what Mastodon is and how it could tie in to campus culture. Wait, did Harvard and Yale just drop out of the U.S. News and World Report? Hold on, just give me a minute, it’s too much to keep track of.

How am I supposed to remember what’s cool now? Nobody tells me anything anymore and I don’t have enough time to check my email. Is the Barnard housing policy still a thing? Is there going to be another tent? Has CC already been integrated into the School of the Arts and I’ve missed my chance to write topical content about it? Eh, who am I kidding. I’ll just write another article about the penis fountains—that never gets old.