
Columbia’s Only Newspaper with an “A” Energy Efficiency Rating
Volume XL • Issue 1 • September 2022
From the Issue:

How to Weave Your Major Into Any Conversation: A List
wThe school year is just starting, and we’re all meeting new people. With these first impressions, it is vital that other people know EXACTLY what you’re studying. The Fed is back with another classic listicle to ensure that you can do so, discreetly. Physics Throw an apple at…

Carman Renamed ‘Charmin’ After 50,000 Toilet Paper Rolls Donated to Columbia
Carman Hall, the infamous “party” dorm for Columbia first-years, is seeing a major shake-up after the Charmin Ultra Soft family donated 50,000 toilet paper rolls to the university. Shayna Mikowski, a spokesperson for Charmin, told the Federalist that it was the least they could do given Columbia’s humiliating…

ADVICE: My Friends Want Me to Get Discord, but I’m Worried It’ll Make Me Look Like a Gamer
Dear Federalist, When I first arrived at Columbia in August for NSOP, I was nervous about making friends. Not because I’m shy or weird or a loser or anything. I’m very cool and very normal. I’ll have you know that I got very close to making out with…

“I’m Just Here for the Chanel Bag” — How Columbia Students Spent Their Summers
LOW STEPS — As the summer comes to a close, Columbia students return to campus with an abundance of professional experiences. We interviewed three students to find out more about what Columbia students got up to this summer. Lulu Smith (CC’24) spent her summer working at an investment…

Lanternfly You Killed Actually Scientist Curing World Hunger
Remember that spotted lanternfly you squashed the other day? You were walking to class, and you saw it sitting on the ground, and you thought, “Why not?” And then it took off into the air a millisecond before your shoe landed, so you had to search for it…

Summer’s Over, Make Sure to Hit a Freshman With a Ball Before It’s Too Late
As the new school year begins, it is important to cross everything off of your summer bucket list before the weight of your workload sets in. The sun is still out and the Columbia lawns are filled with students picnicking, tanning, and, most importantly, playing games. This is…