In a recent announcement this week, the Presidential Search Committee shared that they are still unable to find a single person who actually wants to be University President. “We know this may…
TRAGIC — A recent investigation by The Fed has revealed the emotionally devastating story of a Philadelphia-born Columbia student. This poor young man was left in a five-day lobotomized state of shock…
Following his unprecedented loss in the New York City mayoral election, Republican nominee and local icon Curtis Sliwa has announced his next venture: serving as a nude model for Columbia University art…
Following student complaints about waitlist inconsistency, Columbia University has announced that they will be introducing ranked-choice voting to determine enrollment. In this new system, enrolled students will rank the waitlisted students they…
In a surprising and controversial move, the Activities Board at Columbia (ABC) has announced that they will be removing further funding from all student groups under their banner. This will not be…
In a highly-anticipated announcement, Columbia University administrators have announced that The Police will be performing at Bacchanal this year. “We want Bacchanal to reflect the state of campus, and who better than…
After recent reports of activists engaging in sit-ins, an alleged bomb threat, and $400 million dollars of federal contracts and grants being frozen by the Department of Justice (DOJ), Department of Health…
Last week President Trump announced the erection of a new body: the Committee On Containing Knowledge (C.O.C.K.), tasked with erecting standards for educational material. Described as “the climax of our efforts to…
So, the Yankees lost the World Series. You spent all that time learning player names so you could pretend to be a fan when they won, but then the Yankees lost. But…
As thousands of wide-eyed freshmen join our Columbia community each fall, many undergo the rigorous process of trying to join various student groups that, unlike the Columbia Federalist, require an application. But…
