After recent reports of activists engaging in sit-ins, an alleged bomb threat, and $400 million dollars of federal contracts and grants being frozen by the Department of Justice (DOJ), Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), Department of Education (ED), and the U.S. General Services Administration (GSA), a new statement from Columbia University has denied all connections to Barnard College. In a mass email to the Columbia student body, Spokeswoman Samantha A. Slater stated in no uncertain terms that, “Barnard has and always will be a separate, debt-ridden institution with no connection to Columbia University.” Slater went on to describe the history of the Broadway barrier, the tenuous relationship between the two schools, and Barnard’s total lack of access to most events thrown on Columbia’s campus.
“Barnard has remained a distinct and separate institution, and ever since Columbia admitted its first co-ed class in 1987, no longer serving as a so-called ‘Sister School,’” said President Armstrong, when questioned by seasoned Fed reporters. “Columbia has no history of activism, unlike those radicals on 117th and Broadway. Outside agitators, I always called them.”
In the University’s response to the Trump administration, President Armstrong called for the federal funding to be restored, noting that, “There has never been, and never will be, any connection between the two schools. Columbia has repeatedly denied these allegations both categorically and unequivocally.”
When asked for a final comment, President Armstrong responded that “These allegations are meritless and could easily be debunked by looking at Café East access.”
