Following LitHum’s controversial new no-technology policy, professors have noticed a concerning decline in students’ ability to operate books. What seemed to be a relatively simple endeavor has become a Herculean task for first-year students. For any first-year students still reading (Good job! Two whole sentences!), a “Herculean task” is something that requires immense effort, such as reading the Odyssey or walking up six flights of stairs in Hamilton. It stems from Hercules, who was like the Clavicular of 1300 BCE.
In many cases, students have tried to swipe the pages of books as they would their phones. Others have pinched the paper to zoom in and held books sideways while waiting for the text to rotate. These failed attempts to read have left many students slamming their books in frustration while yelling about “bad wifi connection.”
A distressed first-year “wrote” to The Fed, in the form of a three-minute voice memo: “It’s not like I have a problem with words. I read TikTok poetry slideshows all the time. I was just surprised when I started reading Gilgamesh, and I couldn’t see a Subway Surfers video in the background. You can’t even put it at 2x speed.”
The revised curriculum will dedicate the first three weeks of the semester to foundational book navigation skills, such as locating page numbers, distinguishing the front cover from the back, and making sure the book is right side up.
If you haven’t quite learned how to turn pages in a book, don’t you worry! Certified page-turning assistants will be leading workshops on the fourth floor of Butler from 2:00 AM to 4:00 AM daily. Participants must bring their own book and complete the required reading, “What Is Paper?”, which will be sent as a PDF.
