As inviting weather hustles students outdoors, a slew of tortured intellectuals gather outside of Butler Library to get their noses out of the dense manifestos and critical theories for a smoke break. If you aspire to be a part of the crowd, follow the six simple steps below.
1. Give Everyone a Look of Intellectual Anguish
It may only be the first week of school, but the sheer burden of knowledge beyond you is already weighing on your genius mind. Be sure to scan across the lawn with eyes full of suffering.
Remember: the information you gleaned from your 3-page reading may be the key to a revolution, and you are afraid to speak your mind lest the totalitarian government break down the doors of your dorm room.
2. Give Everyone a Look of European Sadness
When you ask that girl for a lighter, add a tinge of an unidentifiable accent. Yearn a little.
3. Aesthetically Lean Against the Brick
Don’t just stand there. Remember, you are weighed down by your sins and secrets. Let your body surrender to your dark, twisted mind. Have a little slouch in your back. Prop up a foot and rest your head against the wall if you’re feeling extra sentimental.
4. Pretend You Are in a Donna Tartt Novel
But don’t let them know that you have read her books. Your summer reading was Marx and Kafka.
5. Curate a Group of Identical Pretentious Friends (One Must Have a Guitar)
After careful selection, gather your friends on the benches or the low walls. Have one or two nonchalantly sprawled about. Pass around a cig. Make sure one of your friends is serenading all of you with a melancholy guitar tune.
6. Look Like You Need a Long Black Wool Trenchcoat
It may be 80 degrees outside, but stride across Butler like you need a long black wool trenchcoat. Let the smoke trail behind you. Remember, you aren’t you; you are Him.
