My boyfriend is an Under1Roof facilitator and I’m not sure I like it.
Look, at first I was supportive of his decision to join the Under1Roof training program. I thought it was indicative of his deeper, sensitive nature, the same part of him that corrected people who said Bao Buns because Bao, technically, means Buns.
It didn’t happen all at once. One day, on a date, he made me scan a QR Code to a Menti so we could hold a “productive and inclusive discussion” on my preferred methods of coital relations that night. Somehow, “anal” showed up onscreen, but he insisted that it was from an NSOP group earlier that day.
He got involved in the SVR training too. Last week we were studying at Butler and I asked him if he wanted a cup of tea. I meant from the cafe downstairs, but he took his pants off and muttered something about a YouTube video? We were in the stacks though, so we steeped.
It was beginning to be too much. He sighed over the iconic action of sitting on Low Library steps, because steps being iconic is “classic institutionalized ableism”. He dropped Finance to take Primate Sexuality because he saw a bulletin in Havermeyer. I recently caught him at JJ’s slipping a few free tampons into the mozzarella stick vat.
But it all came to a head on Friday.
We’d headed out and gotten shots at Lionshead, and were both pleasantly tipsy and ready to get dooooown to it. Luckily, he made sure to ask for mutual and assertive continuous consent. Our lips locked once he set the contract aside. We took our bras off. (He had begun wearing one recently to empathize with the struggles of the pink tax). Just as things were getting hot and steamy, he held both of his hands up and signaled to stop.
Clearing his throat, he recited: “Before we begin here today, we acknowledge the traditional, ancestral, unceded territory of the Lenape People on which we learn, work, and gather today.” Then he took his pants off, keeping his eyes closed reflectively the whole time.
Just before he came, he whispered, “for the Lenape,” and passed out over me.
I don’t think we’ll be spending any more time together under one roof.
