Now that I’m graduating, I’m realizing I’ll no longer be able to use many of my unfinished article-less headlines in my Google Drive. So, although they went unused for a reason, in the spirit of leaving everything on the line, here are my leftover headlines from my four years on The Columbia Federalist:
- $20 Million Vanishes From Columbia Endowment – In Other News, 40-Foot-Tall Mechanical Statue Of Chef Mike Riding A Fire-Breathing Elephant Erected On College Walk
- Ahh… The First Robin Of Spring! Oh Wait, That’s Just A Chef Don’s Pizza Slice Hurtling Towards Me At An Unusually High Velocity
- In Attempt To Deal With The Lantern Flies, Flooded Columbia Paths Marked With “Insect Pool Party!” Signs (It Was Really Rainy This Month Trust Me)
- Breaking: Nothing Very Goofy Has Happened Recently
- “You Want Practical? We’ll Make It Practical!” Says Administration As Lerner Ramps Are Replaced With Monkey Bars
- Gotcha! Bwog Was Just Us Playing A Prank The Whole Time
- The Great God Pan Statue To Be Replaced With “Sexy Prezbo”
- Pro: Found A Summer Sublet! Con: It’s In Charleston, WV
