This week, the student body flocked back to campus after a week-long vacation. But something immediately felt… different. Student Hugh Jass Forehead was sporting a brand-new look.
Following his frat’s trip to Turkey, his Instagram had already been raising eyebrows, including photos of the #brewboys cracking cold ones in front of the Hagia Sophia Grand Mosque (to the great disappointment of the Imam), sword fighting with kebabs, and a traditional Turkish tea ceremony where the sugar bowl appeared to be overflowing with a fine white powder that seemed to not be sugar.
The trip looked like a blast. The student body oozed with jealousy, that is, until people noticed something else oozing. This time, from a freshly bandaged scalp that Hugh Jass Forehead was proudly sporting. He wasn’t alone. Close friends Terry B. Bald, Noah Hair, Fade O. Way, and Loss E. Follicles all seemed to be debuting suspiciously similar scalp souvenirs.
Rumors began to swirl. While the group had reportedly been arrested three times for drunken misconduct, it seemed they may have also squeezed in a different kind of activity abroad. In a heavily redacted statement, Hugh Jass Forehead confirmed the procedure was part of a broader “looksmaxing journey.” He added that the process is available to watch on Clav’s latest livestream and asked the public to “trust the process.”
The university has announced it is “monitoring developments closely,” while quietly updating its travel policy to include a new section banning “major appearance-related changes abroad that lead to unavoidable in-class distractions,” especially among students who appear to be expanding their hairlines faster than their knowledge.
