Starting off her tenure with a bang, President Jenifer Mnookin was asked in a recent address to students when Hartley Residence Hall would reopen after its renovation, especially given the addition of 300 students to this most recent freshman class. Her response was the following:
“Hartley? That bitch gon’ stay closed; we lowkey like the way it looks with all the scaffolding, tbh. Also, never hurts to have a place for a sign to say ‘Building Columbia Better,’ I mean, that’s good. Like really good. We need spots for those signs, and unfortunately it looks like Hartley will have to remain that way for… I don’t know till we feel like it?”
Many students immediately expressed concerns, to which Mnookin gave calming and reassuring answers. “We are seriously considering your input. I’m with the Board of Trustees almost every day, and I’m almost positive one of them mentioned something a student said like once before hitting a gnarly birdie at the course, and we got pretty side-tracked from there.”
Furthermore, when pressed about the timeline of reopening Columbia’s campus for all, Mnookin responded with, “Oh my god, you have so many questions. Can’t I just enjoy a JJ’s fry section in some peace? But seriously, we hear you loud and clear, and I promise we’ll get back to you with a concrete timeline for Hartley.”
She then proceeded to down 10 mozzarella sticks, 16 chicken nuggets, and several plates of sweet potato fries. At one point, she approached us, seemingly to follow up with a specific date. However, it was only to refill her mango smoothie.
