In response to overwhelming satisfaction from the student body and overall peace and harmony on campus, Columbia has decided to move class registration from Vergil to a new platform called Goblin, controlled by an actual goblin named Timmy. President Shipman and President Rosenbury released a joint statement in which they stated that they were thrilled to be working with Timmy, who they expected would “do his own little thing over there.”
Timmy has been given his own office in the basement of Pupin where all the nuclear radiation is. Allegedly, the new registration system operates based on how much each student pleases Timmy, as opposed to the traditional method of class seniority. In efforts to improve their registration standing, students have begun to come up to Timmy bearing gifts.
When asked how her registration experience went, Ava-Claire Hader CC’27 says that she “thinks it went okay” but that she had to fight her roommate to the death “gladiator-style” to entertain Timmy. She told The Fed that she’s hoping to get into “Is Muppets Propaganda? Lets Watch Every Film and Discuss” as a result of her actions. When asked how long this new method of registration would go on for, Shipman and Rosebury locked hands, got a vacant look in their eyes, and said “Forever…. Jk! Just for this semester.”
At the time of publication, The Fed discovered that the Columbia student body would be on their own for spring registration, as the Dune press tour will be starting up then and Timmy will have to return to his day job.
