This week, major firms including JPMorganChase, Goldman Sachs, and Morgan Stanley have begun their full-time hiring process for university students graduating in 2046. This move should come as no surprise, as students in this field frequently accept offers for full-time positions as early as the summer before their junior year. Companies benefit from being able to lock these students into full-time roles before their prefrontal cortexes are fully developed. Hiring consultants claim that this procedure encompasses a dual-strategy approach: smaller companies lose out on incoming talent, and incoming talent isn’t conscious enough to realize it’s being groomed like an 18 year old at a party hosted by Leonardo DiCaprio.
The Fed spoke with Morgan Stanley recruiter Saul Less to get further insight on the increasingly predatory hiring process. “Our research team has determined that we can conclusively determine a candidate’s future success and proficiency in the industry within their first year and a half of life,” Less told us. “Skills such as walking, talking, and blowing raspberries have been demonstrated to be quite informative predictors of success in the investment banking world.”
Our reports show that after promising finance talents are identified, they are asked to sign a contract indicating their commitment to a full-time role at the company upon their college graduation in 2046. Since most candidates can’t read or write at this point, the contract will be conveyed through a finger puppet show, and applicants’ spittle on the paper contracts will be accepted as legally binding signatures.
These candidates are then monitored throughout their childhood, with the hopes of further identifying future managing directors and other senior IB positions. Typical signs of these future high-performing cocaine-addicts are cutting the lunch line, hogging the balls during recess, and a high susceptibility to getting “the sniffles.” It remains to be seen what the effects of this recruiting change will be, but one thing is for sure: if you’re able to read this article, give up on your IB dreams — it’s already too late for you.
