A series of reports from all corners of Columbia University have confirmed that things will only continue to get worse. Working in collaboration, several graduate programs within the University have released findings from a year-long study that definitively proves that Columbia will continue to alienate its allies, donors, and administrators, all while jeopardizing the health and safety of its students for no conceivable benefit.
“While it may seem impossible, with these findings, we can confidently forecast that each month at Columbia will be worse than the last, making it more difficult for students, faculty, and staff,” reported members of the Columbia School of International and Public Affairs, the Columbia Law School, and the Columbia Business School. “We speak with a unified voice when we say, it will not get better.”
Citing a guarantee of more retaliatory action from a hostile federal government, an increased presence of Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) on campus, revised policies that infringe on students’ constitutionally protected rights, and an extended lockdown that would leave Columbia isolated from the Morningside Community, top sources found that there is no reason to expect the University to correct from any of the self-destructive behaviors that had brought it to this point. A letter from the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences signed by all tenured faculty emphasized that their “data confirms that Columbia will continue to make choices that baffle its own community, other top universities, and experts both inside and outside academia.”
“Despite other schools attempting to stand up for their principles, we can now confirm that Columbia will continue to try to cut deals with a temperamental presidential administration that displays nothing but disdain to our institution,” confirmed Claire Shipman, Columbia’s newest president. “We have no plans to change.”
