Dear Class of 2029,
Congratulations on Your Admittance to the Most Brutalized Ivy League Student Body!
While we looked at almost one hundred applications from all over the world [i.e, from one boarding school hotspot to the next], yours stood out due to your blatantly obvious desperation and willingness to pay above and beyond full tuition. We admire your commitment to Volunteer, Sport, and Academic. We’ve never encountered a student quite like you! In response to some concerns we suspect you may have about selecting us (Roar, Lion, Roar!), we are able to offer some incredible resources for your next four years—provided that you submit your $400,000,000 deposit to Columbia at your earliest convenience. In addition to a world-class education, renowned professors, and the immense professional opportunities that New York City has to offer, we will be adding 🍫🇦🇪✨✨DUBAI CHOCOLATE STATIONS 🍫🇦🇪✨✨to our campus.
Yes, you heard that right. We have taken the feedback from the SGA survey of our current students about the state of the university, and after heavily considering the student concerns about campus access and security, we have decided to provide free and delicious🍫🇦🇪✨✨DUBAI CHOCOLATE STATIONS 🍫🇦🇪✨✨ for each and every student on campus.
So we sincerely hope you make the right choice, selecting Columbia University, the only school with state-of-the-art facilities, unmatched academic rigor, and 🍫🇦🇪✨✨DUBAI CHOCOLATE STATIONS 🍫🇦🇪✨✨.
Hugs and kisses, Chocolatier Shipman
