Compensating for JJ’s New 24-Hour Opening, All Other Dining Halls Close Permanently

In the wake of the announcement that JJ’s will soon be open for 24-hour dining, Columbia Dining released a follow-up email to assure all the salivating students pulling all-nighters that the news is, in fact, real. The email included further shocking information: “In order to ensure top-quality service in JJ’s, we will be closing Ferris Booth Commons, John Jay Dining, Diana, Hewitt, Faculty House, Chef Don’s Pizza Pi, and Chef Mike’s Sub Shop so that our staff can direct their resources elsewhere,” the email explained. “Yes, it is a double-edged sword, but we’ve heard tons of complaints about your desire to eat dino nuggies at 4:00 AM, so guess what? You got what you wanted. Hope that room-temp milkshake is worth it.” At press time, Columbia University Library Services announced that Butler Library would be changing its hours to 10:00 AM to 4:00 PM because students could just study in JJ’s instead. When asked for comments, students lamented over the loss of the Ferris dessert case, the many options at Hewitt, and the hellish environment of John Jay on a Sunday evening. “I’ll never forget my fondest memories at John Jay—desperately searching for utensils to eat my overcooked pork while standing up, bumping into a freshman and spilling my entire plate on the floor, and being yelled at in the ice cream line for taking too long to scoop from the seemingly sub-zero tub,” one anonymous student told the Fed.