Columbia Dining Sues the State of New Jersey for Complete Ownership of “Mike’s Subs”

Graphic by Lila Muscosky

In its latest daring measure to establish sub supremacy over the New York metro area, Columbia Dining has sued the State of New Jersey to obtain complete ownership of the phrase “Mike’s Subs” and of the intellectual property therein. Their main target in this lawsuit? Popular fast food sandwich chain Jersey Mike’s Subs. A spokesperson for Columbia Dining, who was all too happy to speak to a reporter from the Federalist and kept offering us cannolis with an increasing amount of urgency, responded to news of the lawsuit by saying: “Look, it’s a Mike-eat-Mike world. And if people are gonna keep eating our Mike’s subs, then our Mike’s subs should be the only ones on the market. Their Mike isn’t even a Mike. The founder’s name is Peter! Also, fuck Jersey.”*

When asked for a statement, a spokesperson from New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy’s office responded with a firm “Um, I don’t think this has anything to do with the State of New Jersey.” 

Jersey Mike’s Subs would not respond to requests for comment from Federalist reporters, but sent Columbia Dining a thinly veiled threat in the form of a dead rat in the mouth of a seagull. 

*As a matter of journalistic and state integrity, it should be noted that the author of this article is a proud New Jersey resident. Come at me, liberals.