Columbia’s Popular Abbreviation “Clumb” to Become University’s Official Name

According to a leaked press release, it appears that Columbia is finally following suit in the time honored New York trend of shortening names. Starting in Fall 2023, Columbia University will be officially known as “Clumb.” And honestly, it’s about time. Walking around campus, it really seems that Clumb is the only term that students use anymore. In fact, if you stop any student and ask them if they attend Columbia, they will probably experience 30 seconds of intense confusion before they finally reply, “Oh, you mean Clumb?” The writing is on the wall, and the administration has finally seen it. “Columbia” is stale and outdated; “Clumb” is a new, hot, seductive take on the old, ugly, unsexy university. At the same time, Columbia Law School will be renamed “Clumbaw,” and Columbia Teachers College will be renamed “Clumbeachage.” Clumb is finally taking a bold new step into the future, and we at the Spectador are all for it.