Following the success of her inaugural Year of Science, Barnard President Sian Beilock has announced last minute plans to immediately begin the Year of Dartmouth™. Beilock announced the following mandates early Tuesday morning:
- Fences will be replaced with towering pine trees, oozing sticky sap and scratching any possible intruders. Good luck getting past these suckers.
- The Barnard Uniform has officially been changed to strictly Birkenstocks and Patagonia, a drastic shift from Doc Martens and niche tote bags.
- All Brita Water Dispensers will be replaced with Kegs, in honor of Dartmouth’s Mascot, Keggy the Keg. This might boost morale!
- In honor of Dartmouth’s talented football team, Barnard will form its own. The PE credit will be replaced with compulsory varsity athletics. Ouch!
- The Diana Steps will be repurposed as the “Diana Slopes” during ski season.
- Barnard dorms will be relocated to secluded campsites in order to cultivate the authentic rustic feel. Deer, mosquitoes, and ticks will be imported from Hanover, New Hampshire.
- A weird, confusing quarter-system will be adopted in lieu of the traditional semester. Good luck explaining it to anyone that doesn’t go here.
- The Writing Center will be replaced with Finance Center, offering 24/7 workshops on mansplaining and wearing silly suits. You will understand NFTs.
- The Iconic Green Milstein Chairs will be reupholstered a darker green in line with Dartmouth’s school colors. Also, we’re going to hang pine-air fresheners everywhere.
Sounds fun! Have a safe and happy Year of Dartmouth, Barnard!
