Beilock Announces Year of Dartmouth

Following the success of her inaugural Year of Science, Barnard President Sian Beilock has announced last minute plans to immediately begin the Year of Dartmouth™. Beilock announced the following mandates early Tuesday morning: 

  1. Fences will be replaced with towering pine trees, oozing sticky sap and scratching any possible intruders. Good luck getting past these suckers. 
  2. The Barnard Uniform has officially been changed to strictly Birkenstocks and Patagonia, a drastic shift from Doc Martens and niche tote bags. 
  3. All Brita Water Dispensers will be replaced with Kegs, in honor of Dartmouth’s Mascot, Keggy the Keg. This might boost morale!
  4. In honor of Dartmouth’s talented football team, Barnard will form its own. The PE credit will be replaced with compulsory varsity athletics. Ouch!
  5. The Diana Steps will be repurposed as the “Diana Slopes” during ski season. 
  6. Barnard dorms will be relocated to secluded campsites in order to cultivate the authentic rustic feel. Deer, mosquitoes, and ticks will be imported from Hanover, New Hampshire. 
  7. A weird, confusing quarter-system will be adopted in lieu of the traditional semester. Good luck explaining it to anyone that doesn’t go here. 
  8. The Writing Center will be replaced with Finance Center, offering 24/7 workshops on mansplaining and wearing silly suits. You will understand NFTs. 
  9. The Iconic Green Milstein Chairs will be reupholstered a darker green in line with Dartmouth’s school colors. Also, we’re going to hang pine-air fresheners everywhere. 

Sounds fun! Have a safe and happy Year of Dartmouth, Barnard!