Columbia Rebrands U.S. News Burn as ‘Reputation Era’

Graphic by Sophie Simons

Columbia University has finally responded to its demotion on the U.S. News and World Report college ranking list, decrying the campus-wide scandal as the beginning of the University’s “Reputation Era.” President Lee Bollinger took to the Low Steps this afternoon to personally reassure students about the effects of the lower ranking on their future endeavors. “The haters have spoken, but don’t worry, sticks and stones can break our bones but snakes will never hurt us,” Prezbo called down from his position atop the wing of his private jet, which landed on College Walk earlier this afternoon. “They just hate us cause they ain’t us.” Barnard College President Sian Beilock was seen by his side, spray-painting the word “REPUTATION” on the plane in Marian blue screaming, “Look what you made me do.” Dawning a sparkly black bodysuit, she assured students, “Our silence on this matter was only for dramatic effect. I can assure you, Columbia’s Reputation Era has begun, and you can call it what you want, but we will climb the charts again.”