Spec, Stop Stealing All of the Comedic Talent on Campus

Okay Spec, you’ve taken our friendly rivalry too far. Sure, we’ve said a few things here or there  that may have gone too far. And yes, we have consistently parodied your articles. And maybe we’ve even challenged you, repeatedly, to a “friendly game” of ultimate frisbee a couple of times  (which we will totally win, btw). But we’ve never gone so low as to steal hardworking journalistic talent from you. Really, we’ve coexisted as frenemies until now: us, the funny ones on campus, and you, the hardworking, “integrity-having” ones who have never been out on a Saturday evening.

But you’ve crossed a line. Each and every op-ed you publish is funnier than the last. And, respectfully, your usual members aren’t writing these. We know you’re monopolizing the comedic talent on campus for your op-eds. Stealing all the funny freshies to submit for you? Absurd. Abhorrent. Unacceptable. You’ve violated our unspoken pact. And, worst of all, your op-eds are funnier than anything we could ever write in the first place. 

We understand that you have a vested interest in keeping the best content for yourself. We can sympathize with the need to watch those sweet, sweet engagement numbers go up. We can even (begrudgingly) overlook that you have run circles around our staff in the last year. But there has to be some give and take in this relationship. If we concede that you beat us with this one, could you, like, give us a heads up or something in the future. 

Until that sunny day

-The Columbia Federalist