Dispatches from the Staten Island Ferry Halloween Takeover

7:54 PM: These silly little idiots think they’re going to Staten Island. Little do they know, they’re going to the spookiest Halloween party in Astoria. Toot toot, this boat is the same color as a fat little pumpkin—perfect for my Halloween party. Shoutout to Spirit Halloween for the boat captain costume. I’ll have everybody fooled. 

8:30 PM: Luckily for me, no one knows where Staten Island is. Or Astoria for that matter. I’ve been driving this boat for 45 minutes and no one suspects a thing. I think around 9:00 PM I’m going to activate Party Mode, and bring out the jello shots. 

8:45 PM: This ferry is so dated, it has a cassette player! How reassuring. Time to queue “Spooky Scary Skeletons” on tape. 

8:59 PM: Fuck, I dropped the jello shots in the water.

9:01 PM: Wait, are those jello shots, or is that toxic waste floating through the Hudson Bay?

9:09 PM: Time to yeet-a-skeet upstream. Astoria, here we come!!!!!

9:15 PM: Aww, the city looks so pretty at night. I’m so glad I left my podunk town for the lights, the glitz, the glamour! Hopefully I can rustle up some money from these suckers to pay my rent. 

9:37 PM: Sexy stripper dressed as a cop, or real-life cop? The dilemma of Halloween. Only one way to find out…

9:40 PM: Nope, not a stripper. Also, apparently you can’t just take boats… Even if it’s for the spookiest halloween party in Astoria.