Unknown to many, this Halloween marks the 100-year anniversary of the Alma Mater Massacre. Back in 1903, the Columbia Board of Trustees made a deal with Alma to get her to reside on their campus. She was considering watching over Penn instead, because she has always been a fan of Goldman Sachs. To get Alma to come to New York City, the Board offered Alma the opportunity to raise hell every Halloween, in a purge-style free-for-all. This prospect sealed the deal.
Alma’s hauntings started somewhat tame, blinking at drunk students on the steps or tapping them on the shoulder when they weren’t looking. However, as time went on, the thrill of harmless pranks was just not enough for Alma, leading to her massive outburst in 1921. Clowns and witches and one dude dressed like a fetal Lee Bollinger mingled on the steps when Alma rose up from her chair and reigned terror on the student body. She frisbeed her book into one student’s face, causing him to roll down every single step. She stabbed multiple students with her big stick thing and strangled others with the fabric of her robes. In the most gruesome act of all, Alma used her crown like bull horns and rammed into prenatal PrezBo, pushing him through a window of low library. That night, 15 students were killed and several others sought psychological treatment from the horrendous sighting.
The Board of Trustees did all they could to cover up the scandal, writing it off as the result of a psychedelic trip caused by an expired mozzarella stick from JJs. They revoked Alma’s haunting privileges indefinitely and put her on academic probation. Most have since forgotten about the massacre, but the few who cannot help but remember, fear that 2021 may be the year of Alma’s deathly return. Alma has grown bored over the past 100 years, furious that she has had to observe so many unbearable Low parties with no opportunities to release her wrath upon them. It’s 2021, and we think Alma is gonna say, “Fuck it”.
Rumor has it that Alma will recreate some of her atrocities from the 1921 massacre, and also debut some new moves, with guest appearances from that naked goat man and the ghost of Deantini. Take this as a warning: steer clear of Alma this weekend or forever be known as that guy that Alma drowned in the penis fountain.
