On Monday, Columbia University President Lee C. Bollinger announced via an email his “dissatisfaction and disappointment” with students’ lack of reaction to his recent display of Halloween spirit. What was thought to be a newfound penchant for cardigans was revealed to actually be part of a “brilliantly crafted” Ellen DeGeneres costume.
One anonymous student remarked, “he genuinely did not look any different than he usually does. The man just really physically resembles Ellen.”
Witnesses have, however, noted the absence of his bald spot––it seems as though he has been wearing a white toupee over his own hair as part of his costume. Whether the toupee will be discontinued in November remains to be seen.
Provost Mary Boyce’s office, performing damage control, asserted that the man in costume was actually Boris Johnson and they are thus not in a position to comment. The PM’s office referred The Federalist to the British Consulate General for any inquiries. However, this lead could not be followed, since our reporters don’t go further downtown than 59th.