On February 15th, Governor Cuomo announced that New Yorkers with certain comorbidities, like congestive heart failure or COPD, would be eligible to receive a COVID-19 vaccine, regardless of age. In light of these updates, The Federalist has compiled a list of the most common comorbidities in the Columbia community that would make students eligible for the vaccine.
Econ-cardio atrophius: Nearly all of Columbia’s econ majors suffer from this devastating condition wherein the act of consistently subordinating the needs of society to personal wealth causes the heart to atrophy. Common side effects include altered mental status associated with monetary obsession, frequent use of the phrase “devil’s advocate,” and a visceral reaction to images of Senator Bernie Sanders.
Engino-socio aphasia: Endemic to SEAS, this condition causes engineers to forget how to conduct themselves in social situations. Scientists believe that spending more than 25 hours a week on problem sets massively increases a student’s risk for this common affliction. As the brain becomes more and more adept at solving complex engineering problems, regions of the brain associated with human interaction shrink from disuse.
Mega-egonium polisciatica: Many poli-sci majors (and a handful of history majors) have been recently diagnosed with this rare condition wherein one’s ego swells so much that it places pressure on the human brain, compressing it within the skull. This compression causes victims of polisciatica to misinterpret social cues, forget to stop speaking in CC, and falsely believe they are God’s gift to earth.
Compsci-oloic Googlemania: Tragically, the vast majority of Columbia’s CompSci majors suffer from this irreversible neurological condition that causes the patient to completely neglect all thoughts other than how to secure an internship at Google. Early warning signs include a vampire-like aversion to natural sunlight and setting up dorm shrines to Mark Zuckerberg.
Classicus hyper-pretension: Studies show that up to 95% of all classics majors report a diagnosis of hyper-pretension. The longer the student stays in the department, the more acute the symptoms become. Once the disease has progressed to its final stages, the afflicted are unable to go for longer than 10 minutes without referencing Horace and 5 minutes without name-dropping Plutarch.
If you suffer from one of these conditions, screenshot your SSOL transcript and bring it to a New York State vaccination center to get your first dose.