Cancun Sighs with Relief as Ted Cruz Returns to Texas to Handle Crisis

Texas Senator Ted Cruz returned to Houston this week after he was caught abandoning the state amidst a deadly blizzard that has left thousands without power. Cruz, a notable Zodiac Killer impersonator who is a little too good at his job, told Federalist reporters he had a really really good reason for his vacation. (Our reporters would have written it down if they weren’t stressing about how Cruz was probably going to make a skin suit out of them.)

Cruz, realizing that it’s a bad thing when your house is so cold there are icicles on the ceiling, quickly turned tail back to the States soon after he landed. Despite only getting a one day trip to Cancun, inhabitants of the city noticed a rising and falling in the ground beneath them, as though Cancun itself exhaled a sigh of relief as Ted Cruz left the city.

If you or a loved one are living inside an impromptu ice bar, or have a grievance to share with Senator Cruz, please submit to The Federalist. We are compiling a coded letter with cryptograms, clues, and ciphers to send to Cruz to see how he likes it.