Different Kinds of Trees Each Ivy Fucks

2020 was a long, lonely, and horny year. With limited access to sexual partners and encouragement to go out into the great outdoors as means of safe socializing, the last year has made us thirst-tree. All this talk of tree-son and political in-tree-gue has made The Federalist think about trees (in a sexy way, not academic or botanical, but in a sexy, sexy way). And Columbia is not the only institution that’s horny for Mother Nature. With “ivy” in the name, it only checks out that these freaks would be into some (weed)whacky stuff (i.e., tree-fucking: ivy students fuck trees):


Anyone who knows the Harvardian lifestyle is aware of the Tree-Climbing Club, where the participants get busy, in more ways than one. Let’s just say these nerds know how to climb a tree.  Make sure to stop by the David Rosenthal Center for Wellness and Health Promotion if you think you have Syphi-leaf or Genital Herp-trees.


Yale students enjoy doing the dir-tree with shrubs. Always in the shadow cast by Harvard, second-tier Yale can’t even find normal trees willing to hook up with them. When an occasional student accidentally fucks a poison ivy bush, their welts get diagnosed as gonnar-tree-a.


When Princeton students are feeling naught-tree, they get down and dirty with Aspens. Just the name alone is enough to remind anyone in an eating club of their beloved annual ski trip to Colorado. But be warned, in order to fuck any of Princeton’s finest Aspens, your grandaddy has to buy a building in your name.


Darmouthians’ proclivi-tree for tree-fucking is evident by their college logo: a D with a tree in it. It only makes sense that all the trees on campus end up with a D in it. 


Penn students pro-tree-ate with Joshua Trees. According to a recent survey, 95% of the boys in Penn frats are named Josh (the other 5% are Chads), so it’s only fitting that Penn students fuck the frattiest species of tree in the Northeast.


To no one’s surprise, Cornell’s place in the tree-fuck club is a little bit . . . artificial. You know those pine-shaped air fresheners? Yeah . . .


One step onto the Brown campus and it is evident what Brown is at-tree-cted to. The smell of marijuana wafts from their (puny) gates all the way to their (weird) blue teddy bear statue. As Kendrick Lamar says, “I don’t wanna treat no bitch when I just smoke tree.” 


The students who chased big city lights in lieu of decent mental health for their college experience naturally prefer to fuck the seasonal light-up trees. Pick your dazzling foliage wisely though, it’s been rumored that Timothee Chalamet’s encounter with chlamyd-tree-a began on the eastern side of college walk. Tree sex at Columbia is lit.

As always, The Federalist encourages its readers to be safe while fucking foliage. Be sure you have an IU-Tree or use Plan Tree One Step. But, until we can fuck the Lorax, we must make do.