New Study Finds That 75% of Lactose Intolerant Individuals Are Just Nervous

INSTITUTE OF HUMAN NUTRITION AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY — A new study this week from the Institute of Human Nutrition found that “75% of lactose intolerant individuals” are “just nervous.” 

The Federalist spoke to lead scientist, Dr. Toots McButthole, who explained her findings:

“Yes, lactose intolerance is a real thing. However, it really only affects a small portion of people on the planet. Everyone else’s tummy rumblies are from being nervous about something. If you need to poop after you drink milk, it’s not the milk’s fault. It’s yours.”

People across the Columbia campus who were previously believed to be lactose intolerant have been handling the news differently.

For Colby McMilk CC’23, coping with these findings has been difficult:

“Fuck, man. My lactose intolerance is who I am. I don’t know what I am without it. What am I gonna use as an ice-breaker? What am I gonna use as one of my truths in two truths and a lie? I already have a lie (that my mom didn’t bribe the coach of the Synchronized Diving Team to get me recruited).”

Other students are managing better with this revelation. Brie Leicester BC’21 shared with The Federalist, “All my life, I carried around lactaid and only ordered oat milk in my coffee. It turns out my violent diarrhea wasn’t caused by dairy, they were just regular nervous violent diarrhea poops.” 

Market projections have determined that the conclusions from this study will have no effect on dairy sales, since young people hate milk anyway.