Between 2 Taylor Swift albums, the loss of Kobe Bryant, the impeachment of President Trump— oh, yeah, and the onset of a global pandemic— 2020 was anything but predictable. At Federalist, our theory is that if a group of pretentious Ivy League satire writers says it, it has to be true. Right?
- More new streaming services by individual actors: Adam Driver’s “Driving Cinema”; Nicholas Cage’s “Mindcage”; and Trump’s “You’re Gonna Love This Guy”; and Ivy+ (for all the latest elitist drama).
- Disney runs out of original animated movies to make into remakes, turns sequels and obscure movies into live-actions, including: “Cinderella 3: A Twist in Time,” “The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad”, and “The Mulan Hanukkah Special: Mazel Tofu!”
- Donald Duck canceled for flashing on live television.
- Avengers movie featuring 473 superhero characters. Different sections of the audience scream when their favorite avenger gets their .43 seconds of screen time. Spoiler alert: 258 of the characters die but will be resurrected in the next installment. Iron Man gets a cameo that’s (gasp!) .87 seconds long, which is .44 seconds longer than the average peasant, second-generation, working-class, superhero character.
- Out of an abundance of caution and consideration for compromised astral bodies in the solar system, no asteroid will risk contact with Earth…yay?
- iPhone 13 units will sell with no earbuds, charger, or phone. A completely innovative, paradigm-shattering concept you can imagine in rose gold or space gray for $1,000.
- Kanye West’s hologram of Robert Kardashian gains sentience. He makes a much stronger case for his OS than his case for OJ…
- Good news: A new species of coral is discovered! Bad news: It goes extinct a month later.
- Your conservative father will accept a job offer in D&I after mistaking the acronym for Data and Insights
- Dogecoin will reach a record high of 4¢, outdoing its 6,600% jump to an all-time high of 2¢ in January 2018
- The financial econ major you start seeing after students receive the vaccine will make you orgasm
- Father of Dsig freshman to lead advisory for JUUL IPO
- Taylor Swift will herself release 7 other albums and officially start a new religion
- Your ex-boyfriend, Kyle, will go viral on Alt TikTok with his hit song “To the Girl That Almost Wasn’t,” which will include the lyrics “She was my cigarette, my cigarette, my cigarette girl, but my lungs are full of cancer and it’s all because of her”
- A new type of house music will be invented called “stay in the house music.” It is just different remixes of SNL’s “Yeet”
- Bacchanal 2021 will be a Youtube video of a Vampire Weekend Concert filmed vertically on an iPhone.
- Obama will have to politely ask Biden to limit their zooms calls to once a week
- Northern Ireland, Scotland, and Wales will separate from England to create a new country called “Greatest Britain”
- Confused Georgia poll worker, Isabelle Johnson, will receive 100s of emails in Russian which all roughly translate to “how did you do it?”
- Trump will become the first person indefinitely banned from 4chan