Student Starved for Human Contact Slides into “Ask A Librarian” DMs

Artwork by Lillian Aregawi

BREAKING – At 1:00 AM last night, Thomas Green (CC ’23) went to the Columbia University Libraries webpage and typed “U up?” into the “Ask A Librarian” chatbox.

“I hadn’t left my house in days,” Green explained, after being asked to account for his late-night message. “I just desperately needed to talk to someone other than my parents and little brother. Shooting my shot with the Columbia University Libraries team seemed like the right thing to do.”

According to a source close to Green, the sophomore was debating between filling out the “Contact Us” form on the Compliance Office webpage, tweeting at the FroSci Twitter account, and DMing the librarians. “I’d say Thomas made the right call,” our source told us. “I actually recommended that he schedule a video or phone consultation with a library subject specialist, but Thomas didn’t want to seem too desperate. He wanted to play it cool, you know?”

Despite his smooth moves, it unfortunately appears as though the libraries team has ghosted Green. The Federalist will continue to monitor the situation, and update our readers as more information becomes available.