PEARLY GATES—In the current American landscape, the battle between multiple ideologies—such as liberalism, conservatism, environmentalism, capitalism, socialism, and racism—has made the membership count of each faction more volatile and more important than ever. In an effort to bolster the number of Christians in America, the Holy Father has unveiled Christianity+: a new and improved faith with revised tenets, more attractive afterlives, and a free small miracle for new inductees who actively participate for at least one year.
In a set of new scriptures dropped at the doorstep of every church in America, God laid out updated guiding principles, which form the core of Christianity+’s exciting new End-Spirit License Agreement. “Thou shalt have no other Gods or ideological creeds before Me,” “Thou shalt observe Sabbath if it be convenient,” and “Thou shalt not kill unless with good reason,” are among the most holy commandments of this terms of service.
The Lord On High, Creator of the Universe, God of Abraham and of Isaac, went on to declare that the criteria for entering Heaven+ is to have done enough good things to fill one typed page, single space, size 12 Times New Roman, one inch margins, submittable to Courseworks. To spur recruitment, Heaven also now allows for physical pleasures, such as sex and drug use, in addition to the already-present ethereal pleasures, like getting your angel wings waxed. Hell will now be relocated to an area just west of Heaven, and will still be kinda shitty, but in a trendy way, and with the option for Holy Gentrification by next spring.
Many have called God’s actions a clear act of desperation, as he seeks to regain onetime worshippers that have been persuaded by new ideologies to abandon Christianity. The harshest critics have called this a cheap appeal to the largest audience possible and a desecration of the most fundamental Christian principles.
The following Sunday, God, busy enjoying his day of rest on the beaches of South Florida, sent down the Angel Gabriel to read a statement on his behalf: “Any questioning of Christianity+ is blasphemy by definition. The core essence of Christianity is maintained in Christianity+. The core essence being ME. It is clear that practices and incentives that appealed to people one or two millennia ago no longer work today. I am updating My religion according to the times to stay competitive in this day and age, while firmly holding on to the ideas of charity, love, and universality.”
Will Christianity+ bring in a wave of long-lasting membership, or will it only be a minor speed bump for the already larger and faster-growing ideologies in America today? Only God knows the answer to that. However, He has offered to share a sneak peek at the future, for a limited time only, to new members of Christianity+.