TEHRAN, IRAN – Tensions between the United States and the Islamic Republic of Iran significantly escalated this week following the targeted killing of a prominent Iranian leader General Qasem Soleimani, commander of Iran’s Quds Force. The general was killed by a drone strike at the Baghdad International Airport upon his arrival from Syria. The Iranian government responded with vitriolic condemnation of the killing, leading many in the US to fear retaliation. President Donald Trump announced on Sunday via Twitter that should any military action be taken by Iran, the US will respond by disproportionately striking 52 locations in Iran, including important cultural heritage sites. Having consulted with his Guardian Council, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Supreme Leader of Iran, finally responded yesterday that Iran would retaliate by attacking the bastions of American culture: McDonald’s franchises.
In a statement delivered by Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif, the Supreme Leader threatened to “punish the decadent American imperialists and their Zionist handlers” by engaging in a strike against McDonald’s franchises around the globe. “General Soleimani was a martyr and a hero. America only has fictional heros, like Spongebob and Ronald McDonald. What are we supposed to do? Blow up every McDonald’s?” McDonald’s stock immediately dropped 10 points, and McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski spoke out on Twitter, saying “since 1979 we have not operated any franchises in the country of Iran.” Needless to say, the ambiguity of the statement has McDonald’s locations around the globe on high alert.
A top Iranian official, who spoke to The Federalist under the condition of anonymity, reported that the Iranian military command also considered attacking Harlem but rejected the idea since President Bollinger’s expansion efforts are “doing a better job than we could.”
Despite advisers and critics alike pointing out that destroying cultural sites is a war crime, Trump remains steadfast on his threat. “Ugh, everyone got to commit war crimes a decade ago,” he said. “I missed out on all the fun!”
Joining other democratic leaders, the Obamas have come out strongly against Trump’s actions, describing his military decisions as a danger to American society. A close friend of the Obamas confirmed that the former first lady has no problem with the Iranian’s threat to Big Macs.