Russian Cyclists Banned from 2020 Olympics for Doping Too Little


The World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) announced today that Russian competitors will not be allowed to partake in the Tokyo 2020 Olympics. While most of the Russian athletes were banned for the use of performance-enhancing drugs, the cyclists have been found guilty of not meeting the minimum historical levels of blood doping required to qualify for the track and road cycling events.

The announcement comes after an extensive review of Russia’s attempts to show off as much of its state-sponsored doping program as possible, to convince the committee that it was on-par for Olympic cycling. Craig Reede, the President of WADA, said that, “Russia was afforded every opportunity to pump their cyclists with testosterone and ketamine, but the results have not been satisfactory.” 

At press time, the Russian cyclists have been seen doing cocaine off their handlebars in preparation for the Tour de France. Most surprisingly, they still seem to be in better shape than the Americans, despite the latter’s dramatically increased access to the opioid epidemic.