With Whopping 5% of U.S. Population’s Vote, Clinton Becomes Democratic Nominee

“Look around you,” Clinton implored. “Fully one in 20 people in these great United States voted for me. Think of the 20 people closest to you. Statistically speaking, at least one of them voted for me, and because of them I now have a better than even chance of being your next president.”

While her win did not come as a shock, she now must face the task of unifying her party, and bringing the other 3.7% of the population who voted in the Democratic Party back into her camp. “Party unity is crucial right now,” explained Robby Mook, Clinton’s campaign manager. “But if KFC could convince 11 million people that fried chicken breasts can serve as sandwich bread, then hopefully we can convince the 12 million Sanders voters to join us in November.”

For all her establishment support, this victory was not easy – Clinton campaigned across the entire country for over a year. She spoke about her commitment to helping those in need, and her experience as former first lady, U.S. Senator, and Secretary of State, to earn the votes of a group of people about as large as the one that watched the season finale for The Walking Dead.

“This is a historic victory,” claimed political pundit McKenzie Herston. “Setting aside the issue of her gender, never in our nation’s history have we seen such high levels of participation in the primary process. 56 million people voted in this year’s primaries, which is 3 million more than the number of people who watched Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen in theaters. Truly, this is an incredible time in american politics.”

Now, however, Clinton must look towards the General Election, and her rival Donald Trump. When asked about November, the candidate looked this reporter squarely in the eye and stated, “Nearly 13 million people voted for a man who has questioned the value of a free press, claimed ethnic and religious backgrounds impede one’s ability to perform their job, and lied about his penis size on stage. But then again, nearly 10 million people felt the need to share their opinion on ‘My Talking Tom’ on the App Store. So maybe it’s not all that bad.”