New Gun Owners Required to Pinky Swear They Won’t Kill Anyone


In response to mounting pressure from the American public over gun violence, Congress has passed a bill requiring that all new gun purchases be legitimized by a pinky swear, where the buyer promises not to kill anyone.

“It just made sense,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said. “We can’t sit idly by and let dangerous individuals acquire firearms. The pinky swear is the most legally and ethically binding contract of which I am aware, and its implementation in gun purchases will undoubtedly prevent such attacks in the future. Some on the left pushed for ‘swearing on your mother’s grave’, but that was discarded as far too severe.”

At press time, congressional Republicans were reportedly fighting a last-minute amendment requiring gun owners to also “cross their hearts.”