I’ll admit it. When I came to college, I was really worried that, as a man, I was too sexually inexperienced to find a tangible, IRL girlfriend. I just didn’t have that “it” factor back home, and when I told girls at an accepted students event that I was going to Columbia solely for the Wallach Hall E-Sports Lounge, they weren’t aroused as much as they were appalled. So, when I landed at LaGuardia in August, I landed as a man who had never felt the touch of a woman. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not embarrassed to be a virgin, but I just don’t have the courage to talk to girls when I know, deep down, that I have gotten exactly zero play, and I can’t connect with my boys when I have to keep asking what it means for her to be “giving straight teeth.”
Luckily, the girls next to me in Ferris Booth Commons the other day were talking loudly about a sexual encounter in a manner that was so detailed and full of imagery that I could really immerse myself in it. It seemed like the guy in her story was really immersing himself in something juicy, too.
Thanks to those girls, I now know how to “really swim in there” and “talk her through it” in a way that’s sexy, but not cringe. Gone are the days when I thought you needed to be quiet in a dorm hall during sex—clearly, the only way to do it right is to do it loud. Real loud. I’m boutta be shaking that bed so hard it…well, I don’t know that part yet, but I’ll get back to you.
Ladies, come and get me. I’m gonna make it a “Samsung Spin Cycle” and rock your world so “crazy freak bitch style” that you’ll have no other choice but to indirectly teach some other virgin about getting all up in those open legs. If you’re lucky, we’ll even do it in the E-Sports Lounge.
If there are any girls in Ferris who know how to kiss, please DM me.
