John Jay University recently issued an ultimatum to their longtime namesake, the ghost of John Jay. One would have never guessed they were exclusive. I mean, seriously, Columbia only touts a John Jay hall, a John Jay dining hall, a Johnny’s food truck, JonJay-Z recording studio, John Jay-John Jay lounge, and JJ’s late night dining. Even though they are long-distance (across many dimensions between Earth and Hell) John Jay University is officially over sharing, and wants their darling boy back.
According to “just some friends” that you have no reason to worry about, John Jay is right where he wants to be. Columbia claims in an exclusive interview,“It’s not like you own him or something. He just wants to explore and have the real college experience, okay, psycho.”
Via the exclusive, application-only, CU branded Ouija board in the forgotten Hewitt basement, under the keen guidance of Barnard witch majors, we were able to directly contact the ever-so-popular John Jay. The man of many names has this to share:“Okay, like, I didn’t realize it was that big of a deal, I’m loyal, it’s just college, and it’s sooo important to find what you like. Maybe I’m just not meant for monogamy, I heard poly is in now!”
