JOHN JAY DINING HALL — In an effort to understand the continued outbreak of drug-fueled insomnia and superhuman stamina among the new cohort of freshmen, staff from John Jay Dining recently requested that several batches of watermelon soft-serve be analyzed by the chemistry department. Findings showed that the mixture was nearly 98 percent bottled Pepto-Bismol and that the remaining two percent was the sweet nectar of crack cocaine. Though the department refused to comment on the samples’ ultimate whereabouts, Fed staff uncovered multiple reports of red-eyed chemistry TAs roaming the halls of Havemeyer, heckling professors for “just one more fix, bro!” Nonetheless, the mystery of the watermelon ice cream’s disturbingly neon hue and inexplicable addictiveness was at last solved. As meal swipes become a precious commodity, underground dining plan markets are emerging. In the words of one twitching freshman: “I actually sold access to my dorm for a few dozen swipes last week. I don’t really see an issue with it, though—I spend most of my time camped outside of the dining hall anyways. It’s not, like, a problem, though, because I can literally quit whenever.”
