Recently, Columbia medical researchers have noticed a concerning trend among the lesbian undergraduate population: Their spines have curved and contorted with one lower shoulder and a lower indent in the spine. After copious investigation and field research, the medical team found definitive evidence that lesbians’ spines have begun to adjust for the single-sided weight of their neutral-toned messenger bags.
These practical yet dangerous accessories pose a serious threat to the health and well-being of the sapphics at Columbia College and SEAS, but, most notably, they are a major concern to the fine individuals at Barnard College.
As research continues, messenger bag-induced scoliosis has been linked to parts of the most vulnerable straight populations on campus. People who frequently engage in poetry, smoke outside of Butler, and partake in any form of live entertainment are also at risk of developing the condition.
Messenger bags are still on the rise. They will infiltrate more and more of the population each year, and it is important just to say “no.”
