As the surge of indeed visits, coffee chats, and interviews comes to a close, the clear signs on campus are here: the cherry blossoms have sprung, and with them come the next wave of Columbia summer internships. However, for many Columbia CS students, the most desirable internships have become more and more competitive, leaving many with newfound plans to tell their distant family members they’re “figuring things out right now,” all summer.
However, for the hopeless and downtrodden, a savior has risen. Palantir’s newly created Bureau of Insights and Governance for Behavioral Reconnaissance, Observation, Tracking, Human Evaluation & Response (BIG BROTHER) is here and hiring. At BIG BROTHER, you don’t just work for Palantir; in fact, you don’t really work for them at all! Instead, you get a free summer vacation courtesy of Palantir, at a place like no other: your childhood home! Instead of worrying about meeting quotas, deadlines, and sitting through pointless meetings, just let Palantir’s system have access to all your computers, cellphones, wifi routers, roombas, thermostats, and credit cards—and it’ll do the work for you!
Now I know you’re thinking: “This is just what I’m looking for, where do I sign up?” That’s the best part! No sign-up necessary, Palantir is already zeroing in on your location, and after months of collecting your data and tracking your every move, they don’t just think, they know you’re the perfect fit for them. Within days of beginning your summer, you will receive your very own personal DataMineTM! After a quick and seamless installation into your household networks, cameras, and security systems, Palantir will be able to give you the summer of your dreams.
During your time at BIG BROTHER, each day you will engage in riveting, challenging, and skill-building work-place situations that will give you invaluable experience going forward. Mornings could consist of scrolling through tiktok, engaging in high-frequency behavioral analysis across short form mediums; an argument with your parents from time to time cultivates that multi-generational conflict response; and don’t worry, you can end the day with some real hard work: repeatedly adding things to your cart while online shopping, staring with existential dread at the cart, and not actually purchasing anything, bringing you invaluable lessons on conversion failure analysis.
With your DataMineTM, all this dedicated and hard work will be used to further increase your productivity, creating a one-for-one lifelike digital avatar to take over your work responsibilities, home responsibilities, and to slowly push you out of your social groups. Don’t worry, the pressure will finally be gone, and you can finally relax and let go. All you need to do now is lie back, and worship your new Corporate Overlords; you’ve now been accounted for.
