Last December, early reports trickled in to The Federalist that President Shipman and the Board of Trustees intended to increase undergraduate tuition by 20%, aiming to cover the rising costs of caviar, bribes, and lawsuits. Backlash was immediate, and after student council members crashed Shipman’s wedding and wrangled influential alumni onto their side, Shipman seemingly relented.
This morning, the president formally announced:
“Dear Columbia Community, after extensively listening to your feedback, we have decided to ‘dial back’ the planned tuition size expansion, and ramp up our facilities in order to smoothen the transition. Starting fall of 2027, Vergil will offer Klarna buy now, pay later payment options to ensure that no student is ever left behind. We will also be converting Wien Hall into a casino and opening a voluntary organ selling facility to further protect students’ interests. Current going rates will be 1 kidney per semester, open to negotiation if fingers and toes are on the table. As we slowly increase tuition by 10% over the next few years, we’re excited to do it in a manner that brings together the Columbia community. See, we do listen!”
