After 9 months of school, life at Columbia University in the City of New York tends to fall into a predictable rhythm: FacHouse dinners, Butler lock-ins, skipping that one class every Thursday, and your inbox being invaded by Columbia email updates with the frequency of a desperate ex trying to get you back. But as the school year wraps up, it’s important to reflect on and be grateful for the small things.
So in the spirit of appreciating what makes Columbia so special, here’s the Fed’s ranking of the top 10 Clery Crime Alerts of the past year:
| #10 – Fondling: | There has got to be a better word for this. |
| #9 – Public Lewdness: | Not fun for anyone. Also, it never warned us when those shirtless manwhores were out on Butler Lawns, so how effective is it really? |
| #8 – Bike Thefts: | The sadness of a stolen bike is only compounded by the sting of the Clery Crime Alert’s insightful advice: “It is important to always lock your bike properly.” |
| #7 – Attempted Robbery: | Embarrassing for everyone involved—the victim has to report their story to Columbia, and the robber-to-be walks away empty-handed (aside from holding that L). Nobody wins here 🙁 |
| #6 – Broadway Arson 1: | Uncouth in isolation—are we cavemen banging together rocks over trash until sparks fly out? Yet this is only a taste of what is to come. |
| #5 – Phone Snatching: | A terrible day for the chronically online. And yet you have to appreciate the descriptive precision of the alert: “An unidentified individual on a bicycle snatched the victims’ phones from their hands, typically approaching from behind.” It’s like watching a lion ambush a gazelle on National Geographic. Poetry in motion. |
| #4 – Package Theft: | Look, it sucks for sure, but when the international student has ordered their 6th luxury bag of the month, there comes a point where you stop caring. |
| #3 – Broadway Arson 2 | The one that proved #1 was no mistake. As our geometry teachers taught us; 1 point is an instance, 2 is a trend. #2 showed us that this was the work of an arsonistic artiste rather than a crass caveman. |
| #2 – Robbery | A classic. Ol’ Reliable. The one that’ll always be there for you. Strangely, this one showed up every time I paid my tuition. |
| #1 – Broadway Arson 3 | Arson al-Gaib. The one to complete the prophecy. To go where no flame had gone before. A culmination of supreme artistry. Sublime. |
