“I just needed the photo for the ’gram!” Anita Tension, CC ’26 said to The Fed from her room in Mount Sinai. “I couldn’t do one of those boring-ass photos on the sundial, and I would rather die than be seen with Alma! I heard she lets random men sit in her lap all the time. So, I did what anyone else with half a brain would do and I bribed one of those… uh ‘cleaning people,’ to let me onto the top terrace of Low Library. Just a few grand from my dad’s law firm, nothing huge. And let me tell you, it was PERFECT for a queen like myself. I got to look down on the whole campus taking their lame photos and setting up for lame commencement and make them all insignificant!
“But then, I realized that I never told my girlfriend Lisa to come up and take my photo! She’s the best photographer like ever, you should totally hire her, she only charges like… $200 an hour? Can’t remember what I usually pay her. Anyway, I sat on the thin green guardrail to prepare for my selfie and let me tell ya, it was not a sturdy guardrail. At least, not sturdy enough for my perfect ass, because it caved right under me and I fell all the way down to the top of the steps where some SEAS nerd was taking her picture. Apparently she was also an ‘EMT’ and ‘did CPR on me,’ whatever that means, but I woke up in the hospital with bandages all over my face ruining my $250 makeup! I just wanted the ultimate grad pic, is that too much for a gal to ask?”
